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 Never Lie To Mother

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IGT
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PostSubject: Never Lie To Mother   Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:21 pm

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with an Indian girl housemate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's housemate was. 
 She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, 
and this had only made her more curious. 


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his housemate than 
met the eye. 


Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, 'I know what you must be 
 thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just housemates. 


About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose 
she took it, do you?' 
Kumar said ,'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' 


So he sat down and wrote: 

Dear Mother, 

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, 

I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. 

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. 

Love,
Kumar 



Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita,
and I'm not saying that 
 you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. 

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow... 

Love, 

Mom. 


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IGT
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:50 pm

Another good one....

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.

The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

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IGT
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Wed Oct 03, 2012 2:34 pm

ROFL

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
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audi
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Wed Oct 03, 2012 2:48 pm

nice jokes bro.
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clar23
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Tue Oct 09, 2012 12:18 pm

hahaha

very nice and funny

good read for a boring afternoon...
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joshyo
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Tue Oct 09, 2012 2:10 pm

I love the first and 3rd joke lol. Hilarious.
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sbq3162
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Fri Dec 21, 2012 11:46 am

ROFL Reminds me to apply handbrake!
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Noodleball
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Fri Dec 21, 2012 3:21 pm

Thanks for sharing. Nice jokes
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GPRO-Ricky Cheng
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Tue Jan 08, 2013 11:50 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL 1st one is super!
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iron eagle
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Tue Jan 08, 2013 2:23 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'
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Golfer Guy
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Tue Jan 08, 2013 3:53 pm

Hahaha sweet! Thanks for making me laugh!
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iron eagle
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:38 pm

An elderly man was walking past a brothel when one of the prostitutes calls out: "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try it?"

The old man replies: "No, my child, I cannot!"

The prostitute insists: "Cheer up and let us try!!"

The elderly man enters the brothel, goes up to one of the rooms with her & performs
like a 25-year old.

The prostitute says breathlessly: "Oh Gosh! And you said you cannot!!"

The old man replies: "Aaah, I can always have sex.....but I cannot pay!"


Have a nice day!
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abadan
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Tue Jan 08, 2013 7:40 pm

Hahahahahahahaha!! Very Happy
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almag69
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Tue Jan 08, 2013 9:26 pm

Hooray good 1
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iron eagle
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Wed Jan 09, 2013 11:16 am



OLD JOKES BUT STILL GOOD FOR PARTIES & DINNERS


LAUGHTER THE BEST MEDICINE

(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into
stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his
country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...

(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh
milk & 2 big papayas, while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1
tea-spoon of starch!

(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be
satisfied with self-service"

(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Because it is the only profession where you can tell a woman to
take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby
than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."

(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN
A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 year girl.
On their first night both were crying. Why ?
Because she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

HaVe A NiCe DaY !
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audi
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Wed Jan 09, 2013 11:28 am

ahahahahha returned unopened ROFL
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jurongtiger
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Wed Jan 09, 2013 3:38 pm

Hehheheee.
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Joshua
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Wed Jan 09, 2013 11:39 pm

Nice read Smile
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iron eagle
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:48 pm


Aren't golfers wonderful people?


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly
she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few

minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're still putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found

a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already

agreed to let him play through."


-----------------------------------------------------------

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular,

your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You

really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."


-------------------------------------------------------


A young man and a priest are playing together. At a

short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to

use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father,

but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."


---------------------------------------------------------------


Police are called to an argument in an apartment and find a woman

holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands over her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- six, maybe seven times.....put me down for a five."


-----------------------------------------------------------------


A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty

swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees

he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The

ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead

and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter

asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "I got here in two, didn't I?


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The bride was escorted down the aisle and when

she reached the altar, the groom was standing

there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "Uh...this isn't

going to take all day, is it?"
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audi
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PostSubject: Re: Never Lie To Mother   Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:15 pm

last one is a brilliant idea for those who are getting married! ahahahah
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Never Lie To Mother
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