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G_Man
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Age : 41
Location : Singapore. North

PostSubject: Funny Lawyers   Mon Jul 13, 2009 5:43 pm

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American
Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________

ATTORNEY:
The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?
WITNESS: He's
twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Are you
shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting
laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS:
None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage
terminated?
WITNESS: By
death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose
death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a
guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Can you describe the
individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with
male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.
The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?
WITNESS: Are you
qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for breathing?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his
brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but
could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law..

________________________________________________________________

And My
Favorite


ATTORNEY TO FEMALE
WITNESS: Are you sexually
active?


WITNESS: No;
I just lie there.


Last edited by G_Man on Mon Jul 13, 2009 7:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
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sunny
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Join date : 2009-06-17
Age : 41

PostSubject: Re: Funny Lawyers   Mon Jul 13, 2009 6:06 pm

i am sure technospaz has something to comment on that Rolling Eyes

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Khorkar
Incredibly Active Golfer
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Join date : 2009-06-19
Age : 42
Location : Sinkapoh

PostSubject: Re: Funny Lawyers   Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:02 pm

Ha ha ROFL
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Kopi Towkay
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Location : One Degree North!

PostSubject: Re: Funny Lawyers   Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:26 pm

William Shakespeare's Henry VI Scene 2 and the Eagles got it right at 1:16 of this clip.

Besides, it's a great song with a kick A** beat and appropriate lyrics for all those
who bring frivolous lawsuits and the attorneys who represent them.

I'M A VICTIM!!!

Nothing against lawyers of course. Evil or Very Mad

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Technospaz
Advisor
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Posts : 15650
Join date : 2009-06-18
Age : 41
Location : Typically OOB

PostSubject: Re: Funny Lawyers   Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:33 pm

LOL! Good ones.

So far, my fave joke about lawyers is simple (and I'm sure many of you have heard this before):

Q: Why won't sharks bite lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

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PostSubject: Re: Funny Lawyers   Today at 9:10 am

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